I lost my mom a year ago today to colon cancer. I got an idea from a blog that I read to start writing a letter on the anniversary of her death, just to 'catch her up' on the things that have been going on in my life over the past year. Here's this year's letter:
November 24, 2011
Mama,
It's hard to believe it has already been a year since you left us. Some days the fact that you're gone is very apparent, but other days it's still hard to believe. There's still so much that I don't understand about your death. I don't understand how you could have not told us what was going on, and I wonder how long you knew. Sometimes it makes me mad, because I feel like I got cheated out of having a mom for most of my life. It's so scary to think how someone who was such a huge part of your life for so long can just disappear in just a matter of weeks, but the things you taught me and the memories I have of you will last me forever. It's still hard though. It just doesn't seem right. Just like you used to tell me, "You never outgrow needing your mama." And I haven't.
You would never believe how big and smart Will is getting! He's 4 now, and he can hardly wait until he turns 5. He can count to over 100, knows how to write all his letters, and is getting pretty good at spelling. He still analyzes things to see how they work, and of course, he still talks a mile a minute. He asks about you sometimes. I think he just doesn't understand yet. I'm trying my best to make sure he doesn't forget you, just as you asked. I have two pictures of you and him up in his room, and I'm working on making him a Nana book, just so he can look at pictures of you and I can tell him more about you. He tells me he misses you all the time.
We're trying to take care of Daddy for you. The last year has been hard on him, and all of us. I think he's making it the best he can. I think we're all still just trying to process everything that happened. It just seems like it all happened so fast and we're just now coming to terms with your death. We're working on getting your headstone down. Daddy and Jeff have been working on it, and you know them--it has to be perfect. We told him it's okay if it's taking so long, because if anyone would understand, it would be you.
I miss you so much. There have been so many times where I wish I could just call you and tell you some piece of gossip I heard just like we used to do. I still have so much of my life to go through and it scares me to think that I'm going to be doing it without you. You never had to live without your mom, and I'll spend most of my life living without mine.
I just got done getting my stuff ready for Thanksgiving--the deviled eggs we always used to make together. This time last year we were in a completely different place--none of us wanted to even think about celebrating Thanksgiving. Even though this is technically our second Thanksgiving without you, it feels like the first, since we didn't celebrate it last year. We put up our Christmas tree last weekend (and Mike probably thought I was crazy for doing it) but to me it puts more emphasis on the Christmas part of the holidays rather than Thanksgiving. It will just take me a while to be happy on Thanksgiving again.
I remember when I was growing up, the day before Thanksgiving was the day that we spent cleaning up, getting ready for the big day, and cooking! Just seems crazy that was the day that you left us.
It makes me happy to know that the last family event that you went to was our wedding. That way I know I'll never forget it as long as I live. And I'm ok with the dress you were buried in. To me, you'll always be the mother of the bride. :)
I hope where ever you are, you're with Daddy Kirk. If you are, I know you're fine. Give him a hug for me.
Please watch over me, and don't let me do anything too stupid! I just miss you so much. Thank you for all that you did. You can visit me in dreams whenever you want. :) I love getting to see you and talk to you again.
I love you, and I miss you.
Love,
Jana
